Could We Start Again Please

I've been living to see you.
Dying to see you, but it shouldn't be like this.
This was unexpected,
What do I do now?
Could we start again please?
I've been very hopeful, so far.
Now for the first time, I think we're going wrong.
Hurry up and tell me,
This is just a dream.
Oh could we start again please?

                         ---Andrew Lloyd Webber

So....hard....

Sometimes, it's just so hard.  So....hard.  How do we do it?  How do we keep moving through life?  Especially when everything is so hard.  It just seems like everyone wants so much from me...more than I can give.  I have nothing left to give.  I've already given it all away.  I'm empty.  I'm exhausted.  I'm drained.  And there's no well to drink from.  No help.  No hope.  I know what my last inch is, and they won't take it from me.  They won't have to.  I'll give it away...I already know that.  And then I really will have nothing left to give.  And when I've nothing left to give, who will stand by me?  Who will want to?  Where did it all go wrong?  Why did I think I could do any of this?  Hello, darkness....my old, old friend....  Oh, god, where's my flashlight?

 

A Prayer

Hey.

I hardly ever talk to You and I almost never ask for anything.  Mostly, I just thank You for all the joys I'm lucky enough to experience, but...tonight I'm asking for something.  It's this.  Give that boy back his confidence.  Help him to bounce.  Help him to refind and rekindle the joy of those early days when he KNEW he could do it.  I'm not sure he thinks he can anymore.  I know he can.  You know he can.  He needs to know it, too.  Help him to believe in himself again.  Please.  Give him back his swagger and his bravado.  Help him to know that he CAN.  I really don't ask for something very often.  I'm asking for this.  Please.

Amen.

Just can't....bounce...today....

Some days, it's just too hard.
Some days, I just can't do it.
Some days, it's really easy to understand why there are those who just can't get out of bed, who give up.  


Today...maybe tomorrow morning...is one of those days.  There were more than the usual blows, more than the usual kicks to the stomach.  More than I can bounce back from.


Make no mistake, every day on this earth for everyone has its moments...moments of discouragement, situations and circumstances in any one life that are difficult.  We all face them every day.  But some days, there are more of these moments than usual.


Today was one of those days....


My usual load includes the guilt I carry because I'm not working, a husband whose hates his job, the stress that not enough money causes, an unmotivated older child and a very difficult younger child, a house that's dirty and cluttered, a strong (but so far manageable) desire to be just about anywhere but home.  My perpetual fear of letting people down.


Today, however, we add to the usual, something that's been lost.  We add a child who's going to be kicked out drama.  Car trouble.  The need to buy a new air conditioning unit.  Hurt feelings.  And stuff I still didn't get done.  A migraine.  A sick stomach.


 It's almost more than I can bounce back from.


Oh.  I know I will.  Eventually.  But for now, it's just too hard.  Too hard to get up.  Too hard to smile.  Easier just to give up.  Stay in bed.  Sleep.  Sleep until something gives...