Thursday, August 13, 2009

Called Out

So I went back and read my "Diary" entry from this morning. Wow. Wasted my life??? Liz called me out on it, and I don't blame her. Supermom that she is, she was probably horrified to read that.

So let me clarify now by saying that I would not trade my Mom-hood for all the freedom, life choices, or opportunities in the world. The joy, the experiences, the lessons that those two boys have brought me have been the essence of my life for the past 18 years. They are absolutely my two favorite people on the planet, a blend of their father (my husband) and me, raised the way I wanted to raise them, shaped by two interested and interesting parents. Two totally unique beings. What will they become? How will the experiences of their lives help them in their life choices?

This evening, I took my oldest child to GenCon where we had a FABULOUS time people watching and just walking around. Tomorrow, my youngest child will be the "Artist in the Window" at CrazyLake Art House. Two extremely talented, fun, and interesting kids. My life wouldn't be the rich, wonderful existence that it is without these two people I call my children.

Perhaps what I feel I've wasted was my career choice opportunity and this really comes to the forefront of my mind in listening to the teens talk about their futures. I guess I still feel pretty bitter about the 19 years I spent trying reach/teach inner city children in the classroom. From here, I can't see that I had anything but minimal impact. I can't help but feel that my time could have been much better spent. And therein lies my sense of wasted time...


  1. Ah. Much better when you dig into it. So dig a little more.

    When you look back at your life and think about the people who have impacted your choices- in big ways and small ways- do you think all of those people know the impact you had?

    Having grown up a troubled child, I can guarantee you that I had teachers who have no idea how much a small kindness meant to me. I know I have memories of teachers who have no idea how much their choices stuck with me. I can't even find words to describe some of it. As a teen, I was safe from my impoverished home and away from my abuser... but now I was acting out, being wild, asking for help thorugh my behavior. Does my guidance counselor know that she literally saved my life? Probably not. Does my school librarian have any clue how much it meant that she was nothing but positive and kind and supportive? I doubt it. Does my physics teacher know that I remember the answer to the questions "How would you get off of a frictionless surface?"

    There really isn't a good way to KNOW what impact we've had. You do the best you can, each day. You dedicate yourself and your life and your time and your energy. And you may never see the impact. But maybe it isn't about creating big waves of change. Maybe it's about small ripples that grow and grow and maybe become big waves and maybe don't. No matter- the ripple was there.

    Supermom I'm not. A super mom I am- sometimes. :)

  2. Chris -

    I have only known you less than 2 months and you made an impact on the lives of my entire family. I know that everyone you have touched has been impacted greatly by you. Do not ever feel that you have not made a difference in the lives of those around you.

    "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

    It is true. :-)