I haven't written for awhile. Have you missed me? I can't write when I'm sad...or, I shouldn't write when I'm sad... The years, nay, decades that separate me from those years of teenage angst are not so many, you know.... And Now is not nearly so bad as a year ago, when it was REALLY dark and I was scaring not only the people around me, but myself, too. Or...that first time...that was very bad. But it's 10:30, and I can't get out of bed. So many things that need to be done. So tired of talking and listening. I can't sort it all out. My biggest fear is that I'll disappoint the people I love. I already have, I know. My biggest fear is that I'll drive away the people I love. I already have, I think. I'm bored of listening to myself, so must they be also. When did I become so needy and dependent on the guidance of others? Where is my OWN inner voice? My biggest fear is that what's done will never be undone. It is, it isn't, it is, it isn't. Am I destined to battle the dark my whole life? What have I done here?
Hmm. Writing helps.
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I've certainly missed you.
ReplyDeleteAnd writing does help. And sometimes, as you write and share what you've written, someone might be able to offer a glimmer of hope. Love and support you didn't anticipate finding. And that little glimmer might be just enough to get you to take a small step that day, and another the next day.
Yes, just yesterday I was thinking that you hadn't written for awhile, and I was wondering what was up. And hoping that you hadn't decided to ditch the blog for the headier excitement of Facebook or Real Life Interactions With People -- I've heard the latter can be even more exciting than the Internet, but it might just be a passing fad.
ReplyDeleteIt's good that writing helps. Weirdly enough, cod liver oil is what works for me.
Ah the teen angst.....
ReplyDeleteI know that I'm part of the crowd that you're more than likely tired of hearing from, but I really do think that things are not finalized. Seems may seem bad now, but hate/anger is not the opposite of love, that would be indifference. That fact that people have feelings about this situtation proves that some part of them cares about you. Things may seem bad-forgive my cliche- but things are always darkest before dawn.